WAR AND PEACE!!!!!
I finally started it a few days ago. Tolstoy is so adroit in crafting his narrative; he is able to tell the great story of the Russian resistance through small social events, and the interactions between the different main characters. And while describing the impending crisis that's about to befall Russia, he vividly portrays the different attitudes of the different characters, be it scheming, kind-hearted, idealistic, chivalrous and the like.
More importantly, the Russian society reminds me of people even in my own social circle; and the parallels that exist startle me. It reminds me even of my crassness, and my paranoia and quest for success in everything. Forget the lugubrious attitude towards life, discard the foolish machinations with success as the final goal, and learn the way of the kind-hearted; yes, thats what i should strive for, and not be a Prince Vasily but a Count Pierre Bezukhov.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Ideals or contrived success?
And there it ends. At least i made it to the semis. But well, it is all because of my easy draw. Today i got thrashed. Thrashed. Yes, thrashed. 1-6 0-6. There were some scarce opportunities during the match, staring at my face, waiting for my response; yet in the end, for some reason or another, they pass me by. Well, i am not gonna blame anything else anymore (enough of that); but inevitably I began to think of my approach to the match.
I went in today and i wanted to hit, yes hit and not to play gay shots; in the end i got outclassed and outhit. He was just too good. On the other hand, i could have played a "safer" game and possibly delayed my fall into the "abyss" of defeat. The score could have been closer; however this is not what i trained for.
The question arises: Does playing a safer game, with more or less guaranteed better results, or does applying what i have learnt in all the hours of training take precedence? I have always switch positions to suit the circumstances; but of course, the latter does. Maybe I should just be contented that the latter took precedence today in my game plan. Isn't that what the idealist strives for? yesYesYEsYES we hate pyrrhic victories!!!!!!!!
I went in today and i wanted to hit, yes hit and not to play gay shots; in the end i got outclassed and outhit. He was just too good. On the other hand, i could have played a "safer" game and possibly delayed my fall into the "abyss" of defeat. The score could have been closer; however this is not what i trained for.
The question arises: Does playing a safer game, with more or less guaranteed better results, or does applying what i have learnt in all the hours of training take precedence? I have always switch positions to suit the circumstances; but of course, the latter does. Maybe I should just be contented that the latter took precedence today in my game plan. Isn't that what the idealist strives for? yesYesYEsYES we hate pyrrhic victories!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Disappointment.
I am so disappointed with myself. Yet again, despite constant promises to myself to improve, I have succumbed to such pathetic immaturity, without even a decent sense of situational awareness; a few foolish acts in the past week have reduced me to disgrace. I am sorry to those whom because of my immaturity i have offended; and i must thank those who listened to me and helped cheer me up. Yes, i do have strengths Jem, but nonetheless i expect much more of myself; I really must do something to change my selfish self. Convincing myself of my strengths will not absolve me of any culpability; yet still you may have a point. We shall look to the future.
Two more days to my national tennis match. Against the first seed. Am i going to repeat the mistakes of the past in the match? Am i going to be defeated by myself, or crush under pressure? Or am i going to play my best, and show others that the money used to pay training isn't wasted? Well, the match has not started; hope that some good on thursday may help nullify my disappointment still remains. For how long will it last?
Two more days to my national tennis match. Against the first seed. Am i going to repeat the mistakes of the past in the match? Am i going to be defeated by myself, or crush under pressure? Or am i going to play my best, and show others that the money used to pay training isn't wasted? Well, the match has not started; hope that some good on thursday may help nullify my disappointment still remains. For how long will it last?
Monday, May 16, 2011
I know the night must end!
I should stop daydreaming. No more procrastinating. Lets go! Lets take another step forward! Let dawning break!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
One of my favourite songs :D
You can make history young again
You could rewrite you could decide
The things that should or shouldn't have been
How i wish it were possible...
You could rewrite you could decide
The things that should or shouldn't have been
How i wish it were possible...
I shall move on
As expected, I didn't get google science fair. But what hope was there to start with? So it shall pass, and I shall not linger; I shall continue, bolstered with the lessons from whatever happened behind me, with the goals in front of me, never turning back.
The weekend proved rejuvenating - election fever (though i am not a citizen), plus a lot of slacking at home - and the bedeviling thoughts about life were jettisoned (at least until now). Maybe all my worries were contrived, unnecessary and created just to suit to the needs of such an ardent perfectionist. I should not ruminate any further, lest my capricious self affected by such undesirable thoughts.
"But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." - Gandalf
I loved that quote, and after watching the fellowship of the ring once again this weekend, it once again brought hope; elan was injected into my life. At the same time, I shall leave my life to God, and leave everything to his will, for He said
"He who honours me I will honour."
His will shall be honoured.
The weekend proved rejuvenating - election fever (though i am not a citizen), plus a lot of slacking at home - and the bedeviling thoughts about life were jettisoned (at least until now). Maybe all my worries were contrived, unnecessary and created just to suit to the needs of such an ardent perfectionist. I should not ruminate any further, lest my capricious self affected by such undesirable thoughts.
"But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." - Gandalf
I loved that quote, and after watching the fellowship of the ring once again this weekend, it once again brought hope; elan was injected into my life. At the same time, I shall leave my life to God, and leave everything to his will, for He said
"He who honours me I will honour."
His will shall be honoured.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Shock
A tragic situation exists precisely when virtue does not triumph but when it is still felt that man is nobler than the forces which destroy him. - George Orwell
Oh well. Should I feel despair? Or continue pretending as if nothing as happened? Should I stop and look at myself in the mirror? Or convince myself of the insignificance of what has happened?
Ambivalence. Confusion. Indecision. What next?
Oh well. Should I feel despair? Or continue pretending as if nothing as happened? Should I stop and look at myself in the mirror? Or convince myself of the insignificance of what has happened?
Ambivalence. Confusion. Indecision. What next?
Monday, May 2, 2011
Just another day
Today the despair and hapless feelings in my heart suddenly disappeared; a jovial, light cheerfulness took over. But how long will it last?
I will have to thank my friends; those who are understanding, and willing to hear me speak. The outpouring of my thoughts to someone whom I could trust probably relieved me partly of the large burden (that I myself perceive) resting on my shoulders.
I was thinking of the past today. How long ago was it that I could go actually play the piano without any sense of the time? That I could sit down and enjoy watching television -- BBC, sports or HBO XD? That I could entirely forget about school-related issues and focus on personal academic or non-academic pursuits? That I could pick up a novel to engross myself in for half a day? It wasn't that long ago. But yet it feels so detached, so distant; such rituals will become luxuries I can seldom afford to indulge in. And those carefree time? They will just remain as fond memories; a unique piece of the jigsaw of my life that will never be replicated anytime soon; a source of comfort and joy; a sole reprieve.
I will have to thank my friends; those who are understanding, and willing to hear me speak. The outpouring of my thoughts to someone whom I could trust probably relieved me partly of the large burden (that I myself perceive) resting on my shoulders.
I was thinking of the past today. How long ago was it that I could go actually play the piano without any sense of the time? That I could sit down and enjoy watching television -- BBC, sports or HBO XD? That I could entirely forget about school-related issues and focus on personal academic or non-academic pursuits? That I could pick up a novel to engross myself in for half a day? It wasn't that long ago. But yet it feels so detached, so distant; such rituals will become luxuries I can seldom afford to indulge in. And those carefree time? They will just remain as fond memories; a unique piece of the jigsaw of my life that will never be replicated anytime soon; a source of comfort and joy; a sole reprieve.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Obfuscation
"For you will still be here tomorrow; but your dreams may not."
From the depths of docility to the harsh environment, I have reassessed myself. Am I as good as I have conceived myself to be? Do I even have the capacity to do whatever i want done? Are my ambitions so over-stretched that I would need to be put in proper perspective?
Suddenly achievable goals turned into seemingly unrealistic dreams; I am so confused. My coach always says, " change yourself. Do not change the goal - don't lower your standards." But how is it that I, baseless without achievement, so unsure about my own credentials, frivolously expect so much of myself? Won't it only cause more despair; more disappointment, when, as always, expectations are not met? Am i even deserving of such DREAMS? Obfuscation sets in.
Maybe I am not working hard enough, not putting the effort necessary for me to make the cut. Then, should credulity take over, or should i push myself along the path i have always wanted for myself? Am I supposed to give up my dreams, and at the same time cause disappointment to all those who have hoped in me, spent so much effort for my sake? Will mediocrity justify the sense of guilt felt then?
More obfuscation. God, please give me your grace, give me what's best; for I do not want to forsake my dreams. Because they are not dreams; they are my future.
From the depths of docility to the harsh environment, I have reassessed myself. Am I as good as I have conceived myself to be? Do I even have the capacity to do whatever i want done? Are my ambitions so over-stretched that I would need to be put in proper perspective?
Suddenly achievable goals turned into seemingly unrealistic dreams; I am so confused. My coach always says, " change yourself. Do not change the goal - don't lower your standards." But how is it that I, baseless without achievement, so unsure about my own credentials, frivolously expect so much of myself? Won't it only cause more despair; more disappointment, when, as always, expectations are not met? Am i even deserving of such DREAMS? Obfuscation sets in.
Maybe I am not working hard enough, not putting the effort necessary for me to make the cut. Then, should credulity take over, or should i push myself along the path i have always wanted for myself? Am I supposed to give up my dreams, and at the same time cause disappointment to all those who have hoped in me, spent so much effort for my sake? Will mediocrity justify the sense of guilt felt then?
More obfuscation. God, please give me your grace, give me what's best; for I do not want to forsake my dreams. Because they are not dreams; they are my future.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Acceptance
A cruel reality. A harsh world. And a weak individual.
My contrived view of me in the world as it is now. It tells of despair, of futility, of haplessness; or is it just me? Is the unbecoming world, or the obstinate self who refuses to adapt to the challenges of life? Is the inherent nature of things or is it my refusal of acceptance?
What a disappointing year it has been for me. It may not be disappointing at all in others' eyes; but to such an ambitious perfectionist, it is but a year without glamour; it is so mired in mediocrity that causes him to hold back, apprehensive about that next step to take, and castigating himself for all the steps wasted.
First it was OSAP. Then SSEF. The list runs along. Should I convince myself that it was my lack of good luck, not because of my inability? Should I give excuses and try to play down the initial emotions upon knowing that i didnt get into any of these? Or Should I be worried of the future implications, about how tough is it to get into any of the universities i want to get in, and how an effort of mine is tainted by the setbacks i have faced?
Definitely my life isn't that bleak yet; I still have my friends. I have met many awesome people this year, and also some whom i find peace in when confiding and sharing my feelings. I should be grateful for their endless encouragement, their unmoving optimism, despite my stolid pessimism. I thank you all, especially those few whom i always talk to.
With the grace from God, hope is not all lost: I have still things to aim for. XD Google science fair and IChO. The will to power is crucial; i should stop dwelling on my past mistakes and leap forward as i have never done before. I am hoping that it can last.
A sense of optimism. At last. For the time being. At least.
My contrived view of me in the world as it is now. It tells of despair, of futility, of haplessness; or is it just me? Is the unbecoming world, or the obstinate self who refuses to adapt to the challenges of life? Is the inherent nature of things or is it my refusal of acceptance?
What a disappointing year it has been for me. It may not be disappointing at all in others' eyes; but to such an ambitious perfectionist, it is but a year without glamour; it is so mired in mediocrity that causes him to hold back, apprehensive about that next step to take, and castigating himself for all the steps wasted.
First it was OSAP. Then SSEF. The list runs along. Should I convince myself that it was my lack of good luck, not because of my inability? Should I give excuses and try to play down the initial emotions upon knowing that i didnt get into any of these? Or Should I be worried of the future implications, about how tough is it to get into any of the universities i want to get in, and how an effort of mine is tainted by the setbacks i have faced?
Definitely my life isn't that bleak yet; I still have my friends. I have met many awesome people this year, and also some whom i find peace in when confiding and sharing my feelings. I should be grateful for their endless encouragement, their unmoving optimism, despite my stolid pessimism. I thank you all, especially those few whom i always talk to.
With the grace from God, hope is not all lost: I have still things to aim for. XD Google science fair and IChO. The will to power is crucial; i should stop dwelling on my past mistakes and leap forward as i have never done before. I am hoping that it can last.
A sense of optimism. At last. For the time being. At least.
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