Disappointment.

I am so disappointed with myself. Yet again, despite constant promises to myself to improve, I have succumbed to such pathetic immaturity, without even a decent sense of situational awareness; a few foolish acts in the past week have reduced me to disgrace. I am sorry to those whom because of my immaturity i have offended; and i must thank those who listened to me and helped cheer me up. Yes, i do have strengths Jem, but nonetheless i expect much more of myself; I really must do something to change my selfish self. Convincing myself of my strengths will not absolve me of any culpability; yet still you may have a point. We shall look to the future.

Two more days to my national tennis match. Against the first seed. Am i going to repeat the mistakes of the past in the match? Am i going to be defeated by myself, or crush under pressure? Or am i going to play my best, and show others that the money used to pay training isn't wasted? Well, the match has not started; hope that some good on thursday may help nullify my disappointment still remains. For how long will it last?

I know the night must end!

I should stop daydreaming. No more procrastinating. Lets go! Lets take another step forward! Let dawning break!

One of my favourite songs :D

You can make history young again

You could rewrite you could decide

The things that should or shouldn't have been

How i wish it were possible...

I shall move on

As expected, I didn't get google science fair. But what hope was there to start with? So it shall pass, and I shall not linger; I shall continue, bolstered with the lessons from whatever happened behind me, with the goals in front of me, never turning back.

The weekend proved rejuvenating - election fever (though i am not a citizen), plus a lot of slacking at home - and the bedeviling thoughts about life were jettisoned (at least until now). Maybe all my worries were contrived, unnecessary and created just to suit to the needs of such an ardent perfectionist. I should not ruminate any further, lest my capricious self affected by such undesirable thoughts.

"But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." - Gandalf

I loved that quote, and after watching the fellowship of the ring once again this weekend, it once again brought hope; elan was injected into my life. At the same time, I shall leave my life to God, and leave everything to his will, for He said

"He who honours me I will honour."

His will shall be honoured.

Shock

A tragic situation exists precisely when virtue does not triumph but when it is still felt that man is nobler than the forces which destroy him. - George Orwell

Oh well. Should I feel despair? Or continue pretending as if nothing as happened? Should I stop and look at myself in the mirror? Or convince myself of the insignificance of what has happened?

Ambivalence. Confusion. Indecision. What next?

Just another day

Today the despair and hapless feelings in my heart suddenly disappeared; a jovial, light cheerfulness took over. But how long will it last?

I will have to thank my friends; those who are understanding, and willing to hear me speak. The outpouring of my thoughts to someone whom I could trust probably relieved me partly of the large burden (that I myself perceive) resting on my shoulders.

I was thinking of the past today. How long ago was it that I could go actually play the piano without any sense of the time? That I could sit down and enjoy watching television -- BBC, sports or HBO XD? That I could entirely forget about school-related issues and focus on personal academic or non-academic pursuits? That I could pick up a novel to engross myself in for half a day? It wasn't that long ago. But yet it feels so detached, so distant; such rituals will become luxuries I can seldom afford to indulge in. And those carefree time? They will just remain as fond memories; a unique piece of the jigsaw of my life that will never be replicated anytime soon; a source of comfort and joy; a sole reprieve.