"For you will still be here tomorrow; but your dreams may not."
From the depths of docility to the harsh environment, I have reassessed myself. Am I as good as I have conceived myself to be? Do I even have the capacity to do whatever i want done? Are my ambitions so over-stretched that I would need to be put in proper perspective?
Suddenly achievable goals turned into seemingly unrealistic dreams; I am so confused. My coach always says, " change yourself. Do not change the goal - don't lower your standards." But how is it that I, baseless without achievement, so unsure about my own credentials, frivolously expect so much of myself? Won't it only cause more despair; more disappointment, when, as always, expectations are not met? Am i even deserving of such DREAMS? Obfuscation sets in.
Maybe I am not working hard enough, not putting the effort necessary for me to make the cut. Then, should credulity take over, or should i push myself along the path i have always wanted for myself? Am I supposed to give up my dreams, and at the same time cause disappointment to all those who have hoped in me, spent so much effort for my sake? Will mediocrity justify the sense of guilt felt then?
More obfuscation. God, please give me your grace, give me what's best; for I do not want to forsake my dreams. Because they are not dreams; they are my future.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Acceptance
A cruel reality. A harsh world. And a weak individual.
My contrived view of me in the world as it is now. It tells of despair, of futility, of haplessness; or is it just me? Is the unbecoming world, or the obstinate self who refuses to adapt to the challenges of life? Is the inherent nature of things or is it my refusal of acceptance?
What a disappointing year it has been for me. It may not be disappointing at all in others' eyes; but to such an ambitious perfectionist, it is but a year without glamour; it is so mired in mediocrity that causes him to hold back, apprehensive about that next step to take, and castigating himself for all the steps wasted.
First it was OSAP. Then SSEF. The list runs along. Should I convince myself that it was my lack of good luck, not because of my inability? Should I give excuses and try to play down the initial emotions upon knowing that i didnt get into any of these? Or Should I be worried of the future implications, about how tough is it to get into any of the universities i want to get in, and how an effort of mine is tainted by the setbacks i have faced?
Definitely my life isn't that bleak yet; I still have my friends. I have met many awesome people this year, and also some whom i find peace in when confiding and sharing my feelings. I should be grateful for their endless encouragement, their unmoving optimism, despite my stolid pessimism. I thank you all, especially those few whom i always talk to.
With the grace from God, hope is not all lost: I have still things to aim for. XD Google science fair and IChO. The will to power is crucial; i should stop dwelling on my past mistakes and leap forward as i have never done before. I am hoping that it can last.
A sense of optimism. At last. For the time being. At least.
My contrived view of me in the world as it is now. It tells of despair, of futility, of haplessness; or is it just me? Is the unbecoming world, or the obstinate self who refuses to adapt to the challenges of life? Is the inherent nature of things or is it my refusal of acceptance?
What a disappointing year it has been for me. It may not be disappointing at all in others' eyes; but to such an ambitious perfectionist, it is but a year without glamour; it is so mired in mediocrity that causes him to hold back, apprehensive about that next step to take, and castigating himself for all the steps wasted.
First it was OSAP. Then SSEF. The list runs along. Should I convince myself that it was my lack of good luck, not because of my inability? Should I give excuses and try to play down the initial emotions upon knowing that i didnt get into any of these? Or Should I be worried of the future implications, about how tough is it to get into any of the universities i want to get in, and how an effort of mine is tainted by the setbacks i have faced?
Definitely my life isn't that bleak yet; I still have my friends. I have met many awesome people this year, and also some whom i find peace in when confiding and sharing my feelings. I should be grateful for their endless encouragement, their unmoving optimism, despite my stolid pessimism. I thank you all, especially those few whom i always talk to.
With the grace from God, hope is not all lost: I have still things to aim for. XD Google science fair and IChO. The will to power is crucial; i should stop dwelling on my past mistakes and leap forward as i have never done before. I am hoping that it can last.
A sense of optimism. At last. For the time being. At least.
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